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16.03.2022
2 YEARS OF PANDEMIC:
GRATITUDE, FEAR AND TIRED BONES.
Today is the anniversary. It started two years ago.
I “celebrated” today. Alone. Given that I (and millions of people around the world) have spent an extreme amount of time alone over the past two years, it seemed appropriate to celebrate alone.
A glass of wine, good food in the restaurant.
I have read the texts that I have written over the last 2 years. Everything came back: the fears, the worries about finances: will I survive as an artist or not? Am I strong enough? Can I do it alone? With no SUPPORT SYSTEM at all?
(what does that even mean?
Never mind, I don't think I have it, or at least not much of it.)
What should I do?
All the fear. Major fear. Panic. Despair. Hope. Over active. Millions of ideas.
And it's still happening. It is not over.
But it‘s different now.
Fight or flight?
From one day to the next I suddenly had no income. All of my current jobs require direct contact with people: performing my theatrepieces or teaching dance, theater and fitness to adults and children. Or teaching swedish to a group of grown ups. To make money I have to be physically present. But suddenly that was no longer allowed...
The only job I could continue to do was my job as a janitor, where I worked in the garden and supervised the basement and stairwell. With this I only earned 75.00 € a month...
I went into FIGHT MODE. I didn't lie down on the sofa, I didn't declutter, clean every part of my flat or suddenly have a lot of time for friends and family. On the contrary, I didn't even have time to buy toilet paper - a task that took a lot of time, at least here in Germany...
I wrote something about the my situation in a post on Facebook: klick here if you want to read:
What to do? A million ideas and online business
At the beginning of the pandemic I didn't know what to do, I had no idea about online business and how best to sell myself online. Without a clear direction, I just did something, or rather did a lot. Too much...
I started teaching theater and dance for children online, offering Swedish classes for adults via Zoom, and cleaning at my neighbor's flat- all to cover basic needs like rent and food. At that time, financial support for solo self-employed people was not yet available in Lower Saxony (County). We were still waiting for it. It later became clear that in other federal states it was possible to receive financial support for basic needs quickly and easily, but it never worked in Lower Saxony.
(More about that another time…)
Fitness and Zumba online: Zoom, YouTube, Zumba.com etc…
I also tried to stay active as a fitness and Zumba instructor - that seemed like the easiest thing to offer online. I was able to get started straight away. However, of course I wasn't alone with this idea... Suddenly the whole world was my competition...
You can read more about my work as a fitness instructor here: FIT MIT YLVA
Theatre Funding! NEUSTART KULTUR!
Niedersachsen dreht auf! Arbeitsstipendium.
I have never worked harder in my life than in the past two years. For the first year and a half, barely any money came in, but I refused to give up. It took nearly two years before the the money finally started coming in again.
Suddenly, there was a surge in funding for cultural projects (still no money for essential needs), so I had to continue working tirelessly to secure money for „daily life“. And the funding available was specifically for theater or „cultural“ projects, not for fitness, not the promised support for self-employed individuals.
(the kind of financial support people in other counties of Germany had at this time.
I just happened to live in the wrong part of the country…)
The fear.
During the pandemic years, I found myself writing more applications for theatre projects than I ever had in my life. Often in tears, with a glass of wine by my side, I somehow managed to meet the deadlines—always at the last minute, literally five to twelve. The fear of being turned down hung heavily over me, triggering such intense emotions.*
After being ”cheated” by the NBank* (read about it here) and other funding that was promised to us as solo self-employed people, I eventually understood that the only way to get financial support during the lockdown was to apply for cultural funding for projects. This meant a lot of extra work for all of us, and since I wasn't used to writing so many applications, it caused me extreme stress.
Plus, I was pretty much alone with it. I was used to working alone, but not with the extreme workload that came with the administrative tasks involved in applying for money, for ideas that involved a completely different way of working: online, outside, etc. Prior to the pandemic, I was in the fortunate situation that my children's theatre was very profitable, even without cultural funding. That just stopped from one day to another.
I particularly remember an application for the Ministry of Science, Art and Culture in Lower Saxony. The deadline was on a Saturday, and at that time some applications were still being submitted by postal mail. The postmark from Saturday was therefore a prerequisite for even being considered for funding.
I rode my bike towards the main train station in town and tried to find postboxes to be emptied at night. After searching all over the city center (no, the Google information wasn't correct!!), I discovered that there weren't any. I was too late!
I remember the great despair I felt at that moment. The situation was very existential - I knew that my survival as an artist and a person depended on these funds.
I walked through the city crying and was completely helpless and afraid.
In desperation, I called a good friend of mine to calm me down, and as desperate as I was, I then called Martina van Bargen from LAFT. At the time I didn't know her very well, but later it turned out that her advice and the support from LAFT was very helpful!
I don't think I would have survived the pandemic as an artist without the support of LAFT and other artists in the same boat, and my dear theatrecolleauges.
You can read about that here:
CHILDRENS THEATRE: 2020 – 2023: Exchange with theater colleagues during the pandemic.
LINK
*Note November 2024:
I also understand now why I struggled so much with the applications and the accounting for the projects. Yes, it was difficult for all of us,
but I’ve come to realize that the events of the pandemic ultimately led to
my complete breakdown in July 2023.
And why it hit me harder than others is another story.
I’ll write more about that later....
Read about LAFT hier
Transition phase? (the new normal)
It does not stop. It's still not over. No, everything is not back to normal. There is the new normal. Perhaps. A kind of transition phase. A lot has changed and will continue to change.
Things will never go back to the way they were before the pandemic.
It's completely different already…
And I still do too much. I feel it in my bones, a deep-seated tiredness mixed with some restlessness and fear. And maybe the fear is still greater than I would like to admit. It’s there. Always.
I've heard it so many times in the last two years:
"It'll be okay", "The spectators are coming back", "The funding landscape will have to change". ( And yes it did but not the way we wanted it too..)
But we all don't know. Nobody knows.
And now we have war in Europe...
What else can I say about that?
The Russians are coming… and we are tired
I am tired. Very tired. So much happened. I am very grateful for the funding I received. So I can move on. Thanks. Thank you very much o all the cultural sponsors in Germany NEUSTARTKULTUR, FONDS DARSTELLENDE KÜNSTE, MWK, REGION HANNOVER AND MORE:
I will survive as an artist. For now. Until the end of the year. Let's see.
The fatigue is deep in my bones. I need a holiday.
Many of us need a vacation from our busy everyday lives. It was already too much before Corona, it was incredibly hard to survive as a freelance artist before the pandemic, even more so now. Such a high level of stress over such a long period of time is not good. Our bodies are not built for this. I've been hearing myself say for months: It'll be better next month, then I'll have more time. But it doesn't happen...
Instead, the Russians have come, and we now have another additional crisis close at hand, a big gray cloud hanging over us. A cloud that is even blacker and sadder and more terrible than anything we have experienced in the last 2 years. And of course they also need money, much more money than we do and of course that is more important and actually I should also help and support the escape line from Ukraine. Even if I have little money and don't know... or I could donate my time if I have little money... Volunteer? But…
This war...
No, sorry... I can't... I can't dive into that...
I don't have the strength. I'm sorry.
But please do support if you can. https://www.aktion-deutschland-hilft.de/de/spenden-nothilfe-ukraine/?wc_id=50793&ref_id=goo&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwxqayBhDFARIsAANWRnTQTyG42_QFHk7wfjpERNNfk8PeVLyj9jD5FdZ7SfcVoyKts-82xGMaAgXOEALw_wcB
Like many other artists und freelancers worldwide, I also talk about vacation all the time, or at least; having some time off. Some people manage to have holidays and not work when they have holidays. Others don't. Not me yet. I can't manage to have more than 4-5 days off, and when I do have time off, I still work, no matter where I am: on the train, on the bus, on the beach, at my girlfriend's birthday... for over 2 years.
In german being self employed is called „ self- constantly“ and it is very true:
I work self (alone) and constantly (always).
Yes I know.
Stop.
Or start.
Again.
Now I've at least started writing something. Here on this blog. My blog.
Let's see if there will be more. Or not.
Thanks for reading so far.
Thanks. I hope you are healthy. I hope you are well . Take Care.
*Edit 19.05.2024:
The money from the NBank, that we were initially offered at the start of the pandemic, during a very chaotic time, was said to be a „funding/ scholarship“, also for us solo self-employed individuals. A support due to the lockdown. I had provided the exact amount of money ( my income) that I had lost as a result of the lockdowns, and that was the sum I received. However, now NBank is demanding this money back.
(Deadline 31.05.2024.)
T
hey had informed us it was a funding, but it turned out to be a loan, and they are now requesting repayment with interest rates.
This was not what we had understood the situation to be.
Now, four years later, I am obligated to repay that money.
So, yes, what I feared came true, in a way.
Different than I thought, but still…
To be continued...
Click here for my childrens theatre:
(so I am really having problems writing this, but here we go:...)
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